South Kent Harriers (25 years on the road! 1987-2012)

Yes, totally back in that familiar place of recent years. Running is not feeling good at all. It's exercise and movement, but with little enjoyment. Heels have deteriorated again. Agonising some mornings to the point of going down the stairs on my backside. Holding on to the kitchen work tops to navigate around to make breakfast is an indicator that things are quite bad.

Sun - 2 hours 15 (easy) off road/slowish. Not really feeling it. Felt tired, bored....

Mon - 40 mins (easy)

Tues - 70 mins (easy) including a couple of pacing stretches assisting RL.

Wed - 28 mins (easy) Tired so kept things short

Thurs - Really tired. No running.

Fri - 40 mins (easy)

Sat - 31 mins (easy)

Going through the motions. It's exercise of sorts, but my focus towards racing and competing has completely waned. I'm not even sure what the purpose is now, apart from fitting into my clothes and just keeping shape.

Indeed, because I have felt down with recent developments, I've started to comfort eat more and the occasional glass..! This, I know compunds my problems, but it is a haven and a break from the drudgery of trying to fight my way back, find a solution and get back to 'normal'.

There is no doubt now, that my athletic ability has depleted and episodes and cycles of breakdowns have gradually gnawed away at what I had. The once bright light, is now dim with occasional flickers of yesteryears. I remember a close associate of mine saying that this situation is like a fog drawing in. I can now feel that description intensely. It's like a slow grinding process and at present I can't fight it off.

I'm not giving up, but for now I have to concede that I am losing the battle. Athletics is a tough sport for many reasons - many highs and lows, wins and defeats, surprises, shocks, everything...For now my focus has to change. I will keep trying to run and hope that one day I will run how I want to. Thats not winning races. It's feeling good doing what I like doing. Essentially that is a feeling that levels all people who run. If you are a 50 min 10k runner who feels good, believe me you are in a better place than I am.

Also this week, I've struggled more with the Martin Fagan (EPO) situation. A great athlete who had great promise and now who knows. To be quite honest I feel sorry for the guy. I empathise fully with his situation. He fully admitted blame for being caught. He said he was struggling with the mental side. I admire his integrity and honesty. That's being clean - making a mistake and holding hands up.

There are people out there who should have prevented the situation arising. Running is lonely and sometimes it is only you who knows how you feel. He was carrying those feelings for some time (I would imagine). Tough times for him and hope he pulls through and finds a solution.

Thankfully, my support network is excellent, but only I know how I truly feel and inner battles are deep. Indeed I don't even know sometimes. For now I will run - later? who knows? I certainly can't answer that question. Maybe the picture of me at 19 stone will be my sole motivation for keeping my toes dipped in.

 J. Creane (circa 1991 - 19 stone!)